Almost My Underwear


As much as I do not want to write this next sentence, I have to because it’s an essential part of the story. Without it, there is no story. So here goes. The other day I went shopping…for underwear.  While shopping, things got a little personal.

For some reason, nearly every time I go into an aisle at a store, everyone else joins me.  This was the case as I shopped for you-know-what.  At first, no one else was in the aisle so I could look at my leisure.  That was not the case a few minutes later when several other essentials shoppers invaded my space.  It was as though someone had made an announcement over the loudspeaker that there was a special on packaged women’s underwear in Aisle 9.  I tried to ignore it, but someone made that impossible.

As I reached for a package of ‘things’ that another shopper had opened, a woman approached from the left and stopped right behind me. It was odd, but I continued to shop.  I pulled a pair of briefs from the package and held them up so I could determine if they were wear-worthy. I know, that’s too much information, but it’s fabulously funny to imagine me standing there holding up a pair of granny panties in the middle of an underwear aisle filled with other shoppers and one standing right behind me, so I had to do it.

Anyway, as I held up the garment, the woman standing behind me said, “I’m so glad you you’re doing that so I can see what those look like.” It was as if I was an assistant displaying possible prizes on the Price is Right only I was 30+ years older, wearing shorts and a t-shirt, and inadvertently showing off a pair of panties…in Walmart.  Just as I thought things were getting a little weird and too personal, I discovered things could get weirder and too, too personal.

I never considered panty purchasing to be a team sport, especially when I don’t know the other team member. So, imagine my surprise when my teammate reached around from behind and touched ‘almost my underwear’ as I started to fold them up and return them to the package.  “Oh, what do those feel like?” she said as she caressed the fabric between her fingers.  Ah, “They feel like underwear,” I thought but was too shocked to say. Instead, I stood there asking myself, “Is this really happening or is someone filming an episode of Candid Camera as this woman does unusual things to the underwear that were almost mine?  Either way, now that she put her hands all over them, they were no longer going to be my underwear. Now I’m wearless.

Thanks for sharing the laughter with me at My Fruit of the Womb!  Have a fabulously funny weekend.

Eliza G.

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