Bless Me, Big, Big Guy

I’m not an angel, but I do remember to keep holy the Sabbath day.  Mass itself certainly isn’t funny, although some of the things that happen there sure are. I know, I know, you’re probably thinking I shouldn’t go there and I get it. But I have quite a collection and in the best interest of my neighbors I gotta confess what I know.

I’m sure that funny things happen at many religious events.  People are there and people do funny things-even when they don’t mean to.  Watching people struggle to find a seat when there are at least 10 open pews is as funny as it is perplexing.  Just pick a seat a get in it.  Oh, and once you pick seat, stay there for the entire service.  Moving up one row and across the aisle won’t change a thing. You can give the same thanks and receive the same blessings regardless of the seat.  And if you can’t find your seat after returning from communion, learn to mark your spot with your sunglasses or coat so you can find where you belong.  These things are funny, but the funny things I have to confess go above and beyond the usual.

When I go to see a band, they always do a ‘check, check’ of the microphone before they start playing just to make sure it works. Sometimes it’s a ‘check 1-2’ but there’s always a check.  Well, there’s never a check at church and I’m not talking about a check of the musician’s microphone. I’m talking about a check of the big guy’s mic.  No, not the big, big guy-he doesn’t need a microphone-just the big guy.  You’d think that after 4  years of monthly mic failures during mass someone would do a ‘check, check’ while the big guy is putting on his vestment.  Every time he starts to speak during mass I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to hear if his mic will work. Well, that’s a lie.  I’m on the edge of my seat because I want to win the friendly ‘will it/won’t it work wager’ I made with my husband on the way to church. I know, there’s a special place for me.

I almost feel like I should hold this second confession for another time, but it’s not Lent yet so we don’t have to fast and abstain. Let’s dig in.  It was a bright and sunny morning and all the microphones worked for the first and second readings so everything seemed to be in order.  Then the not-so-big guy, known as the Deacon, approached the pulpit to read the Gospel.  I slid to the edge of my seat because I had the under that week and was hoping no sound would come out of the speakers when he started to talk.  Instead, he never started to talk.  He flipped and flipped and then he flipped some more. Pages in the big red book moved forward and backward and forward and backward.  After a lot of flipping, he looked back at the big guy and then back at the book.  He flipped again and then looked back once more.  The big guy sauntered up to the pulpit and he too started flipping. They seemed to exchange words, but I couldn’t hear what was said. Probably because the mic didn’t work-so yes, I won that week with a ‘won’t it work’ wager. After he pointed at several pages on the pulpit, the big guy sat back down and not-so-big started reading…the wrong reading.  I knew it was wrong because I had the little paper book with all the readings in it as did a couple hundred other people in the church. He must not be allowed to read from the little paper books because he kept on reading the wrong reading from the big red book.  When he finished, he gave a sermon…about the right reading…to the children he had assembled on the steps of the alter.  How did that happen?  Did the reader at the earlier mass rip out the right reading and take it home for future reference?  Did those kids have any idea what was going on, because I didn’t?

Like I said, people do funny things even when they don’t mean to…and even when they shouldn’t.  I’m just sorry they did them at church because now I had to confess what I saw for the benefit of my neighbors.  Bless me big, big guy, for I have….

Make someone laugh today!

Eliza G.

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